


Frozen

by wesleyfanfiction_archivist



Category: Angel: the Series
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2003-11-07
Updated: 2003-11-06
Packaged: 2018-07-12 08:00:55
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,533
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7093420
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wesleyfanfiction_archivist/pseuds/wesleyfanfiction_archivist
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Song Fic Alert. From a very, very long time ago.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Untouchable

**Author's Note:**

> Note from Versaphile, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [WesleyFanfiction.net](http://fanlore.org/wiki/WesleyFanFiction.Net). Deciding that it needed to have a more long-term home, I began importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in February 2016. I e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact the e-mail address on [WesleyFanfiction.net collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/wesleyfanfiction/profile).

//Take a look at my body, look at my hands   
There's so much here that I don't understand   
Your face saving promises, whispered like prayers  
I don't need them   
Cause I've been treated so wrong,   
I've been treated so long   
As if I'm becoming untouchable// 

That's all he did afterwards, just lay there and promise me things. How nothing would be awkward and strange. How this wasn't just some phase he was going through, that he really did love me. I didn't say anything, just let him go on whispering in my ear and holding me in that tight, fierce way he has. As if he was letting all the creatures of the night know I was his. I should have known that, like most whores, I was only his for the night. But I didn't. I listened to it all hopefully. Drank it in eagerly as I watched his large, callused hands interlace with my long thin fingers. 

//Well contempt loves the silence; it thrives in the dark   
The fine winding tendrils that strangle the heart   
They say that promises sweeten the plume   
But I don't need them.   
No, I don't need them I've been treated so wrong,   
I've been treated so long   
As if I'm becoming untouchable// 

I wonder if he was saying all those things for my benefit or for his. Either way, had I known they were lies I would have stopped him. Well, I certainly would have thought hard about it. It just felt so good to be held, to be touched and caressed and loved- fully loved, by someone who knows all about you- that I didn't want it to stop. I'm trying to hate him. To tell myself his breath on my neck disgusts me, that his lips on my back do nothing to me. More lies. I need him so badly sometimes it takes my breath away. 

//I'm a slow dying flower   
I'm the frost-killing hour   
The sweet turning to sour   
and untouchable   
I need to darkness   
The sweetness   
The sadness   
The weakness   
Oh I need this// 

This need I feel for him is fast becoming dangerous. His words triggered something in me I'm not sure I can stop. He has shown me comfort and love and now not having it- not having him is turning me dark. I curse him and everything he has awakened inside and the next minute I'm begging his forgiveness like a child at confession- stumbling and pathetic. Waiting for the forgiving hand on the top of my head. But now he won't even look at me, much less touch me. I'm a pariah; a contagion that has infected him and the antidote is isolation.

//I need a lullaby,   
a kiss goodnight   
Angel, sweet, love of my life   
Oh I need this   
I'm a slow dying flower   
The frost killing hour   
The sweet turning sour   
and untouchable// 

And all I need is a word, a look- a glance- anything from him so that I can rest as easy as I did in his arms. To have him here with me every night; to watch him brush his teeth, to see him shower and get into bed still wet, my heart aches at the images I create for myself. I need him to whisper in my ear again.

//Do you remember the way that you touched me before?   
All the trembling sweetness I loved and adored.   
Your face saving promises whispered like prayers   
I don't need them// 

He can't have known what that night meant to me. If he had he wouldn't have behaved so carelessly the next day. I still remember where every finger brushed my skin, where every breath caressed. Softly and carefully at first, moving like a kitten’s paw up and down my body. Then roughly; holding me so hard sometimes I couldn't breathe. And still with the same grace as when he was just a kitten. As if he knew I was made of glass but didn't care. 

//Well is it dark enough?   
Can you see me?   
Do you want me?   
Can you reach me?   
Or I'm leaving.// 

And now, tonight he's coming for me again. I hear his boots pad softly on the carpet. I can't help but be bitter. I'm now just his nightly whore? You’re cold as ice to me when the sun shines. Then as soon as the moon comes out you're so hot I sometimes think I can feel your heat burning beneath your cold skin. The part of my dignity that's left wants to call out to him, tell him to go away. If I'm not good enough for the daylight, I'm not good enough for his sheets. What a laugh. That part of me was strangled and hidden away. I wanted it gone. No reminders of the low I've sunk to, the sacrifices of dignity and self respect that I've made to stay in his arms just a little longer.

//You better shut your mouth and hold your breath   
You kiss me now, you'll catch your death.// 

I know this, Angel, and I welcome it. 

END


	2. Empty Promises

Just a pack of empty promises. It doesn't seem like much but it was all I could offer him. I shouldn't even have said them. I was at a loss. He's given me guidance, support, friendship and tonight when I needed him in this new way he gave of himself again without hesitation. 

After it was all over I felt like such a fool. In all his time here in my arms he'd never asked anything of me. Even as we lay there he kept silent. And it was deafening. His unanswered questions echoed in my mind and so I started talking to keep them at bay. It was the only thing I could think of. The words were pure fantasy. The things I said were things that I wished would happen. He and I both know they can't happen just yet. I have too much to do before I can rest and be comfortable in my own skin, before I'm ready to let myself love him. Well, before I'm ready to find out if I can. 

The next day I wasn't there when he woke up. I couldn't bear to be. To look in his eyes and have him see that things would go on as if our night together had never happened. That his mouth had never pressed against mine and that I had never felt satisfaction at his touch. When he did finally come into work, I'll admit it, I panicked. I just looked at him and he saw the truth in my eyes. The promises I'd whispered were drained and turned empty. It hurt me to know I had caused his hopes to raise but it killed me to know it was all because I was too much of a coward to speak up. 

Coward that I am I've still managed to get up the nerve to come to his door again. I don't bother to walk softly; I want him to know I'm coming. Give him a chance to tell me to go away; to never come back. He doesn't, though. I knew he wouldn't. He just lies there in bed, quietly waiting for me. His body stiffens as I open the door to his room and I feel as if I've damned him. As if making love to me is a punishment to him instead of a pleasure. He's trying to remain calm but I can heart his heartbeat. I should leave. Just turn around and go, pretend this never happened. I can't. I can't leave for the same reasons Wesley can't tell me to go away. We both want this too much. 

Screw the 'right thing', I do that every day. I want him and tonight I'll have him. I take off my clothes and slip quietly under the covers and into bed next to him. I can feel him shiver slightly. He's naked as well. He knew I was coming; he knows me too well. Kissing the back of his neck I can feel him press up against me slightly. He's accepted his fate. He's ready for whatever comes next. Slipping my hand down to his erection I can tell he wants this too. 

Still, I can't help but feel like I'm taking advantage of him. He has always looked at me so trustingly. Confident that I would never hurt him and here I am ignoring his needs to gratify my own. Mostly because I know his feelings for me will never change. He'll continue to worship me as always. 

A part of me depends on the adoration he gives me, takes strength in the way he looks at me. I don't want this tenuous relationship to end. Right now it's all I've got. Sooner or later I'll have to keep the oaths I swore. Willingly and without the bitter internal battle we've both waged tonight I'll claim him once and for all. Until then all I can do is take what he offers to me and hope that he never asks me to make good on all those promises I whispered in his ear. 

END


End file.
